KS - D10

I am 1/4 of the way there.  Right at this moment, I am focusing on weight loss, since that is happening, and not God stuff, which I am struggling with.  I have lost about 15 lbs., but maybe only an inch from hips and waist.  Ken said I look like the skin is hanging from my bones - that doesn't sound flattering certainly.

So, things have really been good all day long, until I get home.  Then it's all harder.  I get grumpy for no reason.  But also for reasons.  Ken ordered 2 pizzas, with pepperoni and jalapeño.  I WANT some.  Still.  I've been FREEZING.  I napped a little.

So, I forget to walk with God all day long.  My first few days, I was right there with Him and it was nice.  Now, it's still so amazing, because all day long I feel, I almost said Joy, but at least I feel content and Peace :)  I love my peace.  And it doesn't go away, even when I get grumpy...

I've become aware of the importance of meditating?  But my brain will not sit still for that!!  I think it might be what I need to find the Bible more alive.  One website I read said that Christians everywhere read their Bibles every day, but there is no difference.  And that the difference is in meditation.  So I'm aware and going to be working on it....

I think I'm off to write an email to my husband to tell him how I appreciate him and why....  Yeah.

KS - D9

I was in a fine mood leaving work.  I got way beyond grumpy the second I got home.  I hate the store and how it completely overtook my family, especially my husband.  I hate it hate it.  No one reads my blog and it's probably best anyway cause I'd hate their comments.

I've been amazingly fine and light hearted until this moment.  so I'm thankful.  Still not much God stuff.  Going to bed because I have to be up at 2:45.

Nice.  Really?!?!  George Foreman grill some great smelling meat where I choose to go to sleep and when I am so grumpy.  Wish my bedroom was warmer.

KS - D8!!!

So I've made it a week.  Yesterday I did a computer fast - until late evening when I "caved" with the excuse that I had to do my Bible plan reading that is online.  So I glanced at my email (which is what I wanted to cave for) but had nothing good and left.  I checked FB messages, but there was nothing good, so I listened to my Bible and did nothing else on the computer.  I spent 2 minutes cheating.  I will have to work up to the idea of computer fast.  I have added new dimensions to this fast because I know I have things I like to do instead of spending time with God, and I want to find ways to enjoy God time.  I also added because while I felt like I was walking right alongside Jesus for what?  4 days?  I have been sooo spiritually disconnected and lazy.  Tiredness and caving to my temptation thoughts (SIN!) were my excuses and battles.  I do NOT know what people are talking about when they say they have so much more energy.  Or that hunger subsides.  I always feel hungry, but no more hungry than when I have skipped a meal - it's not painful or anything.

What WAS painful was I guess constipation?  I was having stomach pains higher up all morning yesterday.  It was like gas pains, but maybe in a different spot.  It got so bad I started making faces when it would come.  I got together with friends for Bible study, a walk, and juicing, and one husband made me an epsom salt laxative drink.  It kicked in in less than 2 hours and Ugh, it's not like me to be graphic, but stuff poured out whenever I had to use the bathroom.  It's still coming out easily.  It was painless and while it TASTED horrid (the epsom salt, not the stuff pouring out LOL!!)!!!!  I will do it again in a few days when this time seems to have stopped working.  One friend and I did our mile nice walk.  We had dinner and Bible study and I went to bed.

This morning, God woke me up an hour early again.  While I was laying there wondering why and what I should do with it, Esther came to mind.  So I will read the book of Esther.  I read chapter one and all of the commentaries around it.

Anyway, I'm spiritually disconnected and not loving it.  But apparently it happens, so I'm clearly sticking to this.  I have read somewhere online, I think by Lou Engel, that he advocates a fast to be rid of dangerous temptation and in the article, I have been becoming aware that I should continue until I have breakthrough.  This scares me, because my battle is always around me, and gives me enjoyable thoughts, and fills empty spaces in a pleasurable but unhealthy way, and while I pray for it to be gone from me, I wonder if it's in vain, because a lot of my mind doesn't want to let go.... but I pray for it to let go....  Gotta go!  LOL

KS - D6

Yay, another day just about over, and this one was a nice one.  I was back to feeling normal and happy.  I haven't been as close to God the past 2 days as I was the 4 before this, but as I was realizing I hadn't had good God time, and I was at a point where I couldn't solve a work problem at my desk, I folded my hands to my face to rest / regroup / and was thinking God, and had such an urge to pray that when I reached out to God, I got all teary.  I felt so relaxed and glad and wanted to stay in prayer, but I feel very convicted when I do things besides what I was hired to do.  If I need to pray, I do it during the mindless tasks in short spurts all day long.

My boss knew I was doing a "juice diet" because of a talk last week.  When she saw juice in the fridge, she asked if I was still juice dieting, and I said yes.  She wondered for how long and I ended up explaining to her that it was spiritual.  I do not know where she stands with God, but I know that her political stance seems identical to mine.  I guess she's not a Christian, because she hasn't said anything, but she is quite reserved and proper and so, well, she could be.  She's definitely a caring, great person.  She really seemed to understand what I was explaining, and it seemed like I had her respect.  It made me feel good.

I was able to tell my youth pastor "boss" too.  The way conversations have gone with him lately, I was afraid to discuss it with him, but that, too, went REALLY well.  I think he didn't know that sooooo many people do this fast, and many many do it for purely health reasons, not at all with God and for God.  He asked if I was seeing my doctor,  so I told him I'm very healthy (well, not fit, but I've never had any issues at all in life) and that several different people are aware of my fast, and are watching out for me, including my husband, who hasn't said he's all for it, but brings me broth and makes sure I have juice when I wish for it - not that I can't do it myself, but he's very good to me, and serves me often.

Some time ago, a couple of months?  somehow I was introduced to the purpose of a Nazarite and I was interested in it a lot.  I felt compelled to be one - if there was such a thing nowadays...  Last night, in my fasting researching / browsing, I came across a free book called Nazarite DNA by Lou Engel.  I'm listening to it.  I'd rather be reading it, but haven't found a free reading version :)  It gives me a whole new level of being filled with God to research and look forward to as I grow.  I'm excited.  I'm also very excited to curl up and pray myself to sleep.  Soon.  Today I was cold all day.  Not painfully, but I'm dressed warm all cuddled up in bed, about to go to sleep because I get up at 2:45 tomorrow....

KS - D5

I am too tired to write.  But I want to record something for day 5.  So clearly I am extremely prone to being tired.  I always have been, but with fasting, I REALLY need an extra nap after work.  Today I won't get one and that makes me dejected.

I am googling 40 days fasts, because I want to see real life effects of fasts.  I want to see people's highs and lows and what happened to them along the way.  I wish I could document better.  I haven't read a really good experience one yet...

So I'm still hungry.  I am not drinking a lot of juice.  I seem to have "3 meals a day" - a cup of V8 in the morning, one at break time and one in the evening.  I drink watered down 100% juice when I am socializing and it is around.  And some evenings I have hot vegetable broth.  That feels nice.  I go for a bit of a walk every day, which is good for chatting with God, because I'm a nature lover and it's one of the ways I really reach out to Him.  One of my prophetic sessions told me that God feels about me the way that I feel in nature and I LOVE that.

I read constipation is an issue, and because I haven't had a problem with it yet, I am taking one Senekot in the evening.

I feel like God will ask me to put away my computer and phone sometime in the fast, because it's still easy to avoid quality time with God.  All of my previous days (four of them LOL) I have just spent all day walking with Jesus - chatting, praying for people and things in short spurts when they come to mind.  But it's cool, because He has been right beside me, giving me peace and calm.  Today I am still peaceful and calm and social when I need to be, but I'm not feeling a lot like chatting with Him like the other days.  I would REALLY like to lay down, close my eyes, and ramble to Him as I fall asleep right now.

My focus in the spiritual realm has been very weak.  I have spiritual (and maybe real ADD LOL - certainly no hyperness at all!!) I have also been most attacked mentally.  I feel often like I'm not doing this for the right reasons, and not spending enough time with God.  I am aware that I have 30 lbs to lose and today I've measured myself (nothing has changed) and I weigh myself every day and I've lost almost 10 lbs according the my scale (but it's new to me, so it's a bad gauge) and my clothes do not fit any differently I think.  But again, this is for informational purposes and so I'm going to be very honest. I did not set out on this for physical benefits at all.  That came after I obeyed God and did this thing I thought was impossible.  When I was researching after I had started, there were a lot of websites that included physical benefits and it opened my eyes in a not good way as far as I'm concerned...  I've also been attacked in the areas I was most reaching out to God on - how I view myself and how I love others, and a specific temptation I really thought I was over.    Last night in our teen "not your parent's church!!" my mind kept floating without reason to my temptation and the second I realized it, I prayed and asked God to guard my mind, but it kept floating there in my praise - constantly - like breathing.

I'm done writing for now :)

KS - D4

Day four, that's it?

This morning my brain turned out an hour and a half earlier than it had to.  My thoughts were dream-like and uncontrollable really.  When I finally had the thought control enough to wonder why my brain wouldn't turn back off, I realized maybe God wanted me up.  So I opened my Bible randomly, because I had the thought to read Psalms.  And I read Psalm 103 about God's love for me, but I don't think it sunk it.  I remember the thoughts I gained, but I didn't feel a breakthrough.  And then I started on to 104, but started reading my Bible information on the history behind the Psalm, and got a message for a friend.  I dressed in a pretty dress and took my dog for a walk in the very warm morning sun.  I sort of miss my smart phone with Pandora on it, but as I thought that, God reminded me how much more beautiful and probably peaceful and soothing His creation was.  So many kinds of birds and bugs, the last of the lilacs, the breeze, the dew and the spider webs....  God brought a song / prayer to my mind and this has got to be the prayer song that goes with my fast.

Search me, O God, and know my heart today,
Try me, O Savior, know my thoughts, I pray;
See if there be some wicked way in me;
Cleanse me from every sin, and set me free.

But the rest of the words have to be just as important.

1. I praise Thee, Lord, for cleansing me from sin;
   Fulfill Thy word and make me pure within;
   Fill me with fire, where once I burned with shame;
   Grant my desire to magnify Thy name.
2. Lord, take my life, and make it wholly Thine;
   Fill my poor heart with Thy great love divine;
   Take all my will, my passion, self and pride;
   I now surrender, Lord, in me abide.
3. O Holy Ghost, revival comes from Thee;
   Send a revival, start the work in me;
   Thy Word declares Thou wilt supply our need;
   For blessings now, O Lord, I humbly plead.

And then it was time for church.  I enjoyed socializing lots.  We prayed for my Dad.  Pastor prayed a touching and powerful prayer I cried.  Pastor spoke on Isaiah 6 - I saw the Lord, high and lifted up...  He said he believes God wants to reach us ALL just like that, so I prayed for that.  I added that to my vision prayers :)  

I have so much pride and judging inside of me.  I can't shut it off.  I sort of can't help ignoring the amazing things God is doing in my spirit, and focusing on the bad that is inside of me and keeps seeping out instead.  And Satan keeps telling me that this fast isn't holy enough - that I'm not praying long enough or focused enough or well enough or spending too much time not reading the Bible but researching fasting online instead.... And with that comes the fear that I'm not doing this with the right heart attitude, so it's all for nothing and I might as well not be doing it....  I wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff.  I wish I had people with messages from God, with power from God that I might never understand surrounding me.  I don't want platitudes or Bible school rhetoric.  I want powerful Bible verses, messages from God, declarations that Satan is the deceiver in this.  I want someone to feed back to me all that God has told me, and reinforce His plans for me and His love for me....  God, I want to BE that person for others.  Please do amazing things in me!

KS - D3

So I feel sooo good.  Don't think this is easy, but I'm doing it and with relatively little suffering.  Really, in the scheme of things, none at all!!  Picture me:  I've eaten 3 hours before and now I'm sitting at a restaurant, thinking I'm going to die of hunger.  I don't want to make small talk, and the waitress isn't bringing even a drink!  I find myself wanting to jump up and run to the kitchen to grab something and tell the manager on the way that his place SUCKS.  When something comes that I can put in my mouth, I am the first to grab and you really want to be out of my way.  That's me.  When I wake up in the morning, I am plotting a good or a bad day based on plans and what food comes with said plans.

So I haven't eaten since Wednesday night.  And today I worked a full shift at Dunkin Donuts - where we just came out with 2 new donuts I really would want to try.  The AC wasn't working for the first part of the day and I really thought I'd pass out or kick someone, but I miraculously stayed smiling (not fake either!).  THAT is miraculous God stuff right there!!

***

I am sad, really sad, by a lot of things.  And what I wanted to do was to go to FB to find friends to talk to and get encouragement.  I guess this is where I take some time and go to God.  It's crazy how things make me feel so bad so fast.

I just spent some quiet time sitting with my parents talking - about the fast and then about things my dad is facing. They sent me home with food I would LOVE to eat.  I was going to freeze it for when the fast is over and it was making me smile just to look at it :)   But I got home and some friend said some things that made me feel bad (a usual thing for him) and Ken saw my plate of food and wanted to eat it so my yummy food treat is being enjoyed now and that is probably what put me over the edge.  I want him to have good things, and it was very good of me to share, but it was very very hard to hand it over to be eaten.

Now I want to farm and pop bubbles and find someone to talk to on FB.

But I won't.  I will do what God wants me to learn to do - to go to Him when I am sad.  I don't know how to do that in a satisfying way.  I don't know how to do that at all.

"The weakness of our hunger for God is not because he is unsavory, but because we keep ourselves stuffed with "other things. Perhaps, then, the denial of our stomach's appetite for food might express, or even increase, our soul's appetite for God." - John Piper (sent in an email from Kristen Feola - www.ultimatedanielfast.com )