God has been speaking to me and convicting me on Shabbot Shalom.  i fully believe i need to be following His commands on Shabbot fully - right up to the command in Isaiah to avoid idle words on the sabbath.  But ken keeps the store open and really it's up to him how i follow shabbot currently.  But Ive told him and im praying on it.  My catch up Bible reading was the 10 commandments including how to follow the Sabbath.  hmmmmm....  

Also, during my fast, I have been praying for God to show me who He is.  Today, Krystal and i were talking about Yahweh and how it means 'i am that i am'.  It means "keep me out of the box.  I am God, I will be who I will be. "  Tonight God said that is who He is!  He is what i've always known and he will reveal himself as i need to know.  He is GOd,  He is who He is and i will know when i need to know!!!! I love it!!  

God is speaking and currently I am hearing.  Im also getting messages on sharing over and over and meditating - God is telling me thru my OT Bible reading that i need to repeat and share and focus and meditate and not forget where i came from or who God is to me or what He has done.

KS - Broken

So, I struggled with silly things like going the extra mile and showing God that food wasn't sooo important to me that I was going to sit around watching the clock, with a bowl of hot boiled dinner hot, spoon in hand for the second it turned 8:00.  My old Modern Jewish Culture professor from Gordon was speaking at the Conference Grounds tonight.  My friend and I went and it was JUST the thing I needed.  Small world being that he was scheduled for my birthday, and that he was speaking for breaking my fast.  He spoke tonight on true salvation - our call to be like Jesus, to break chains of bondage and save people from their addictions through Jesus,  to live as community, what is good or bad for people around us affects us the same....  that is what Isaiah 48?  says about a true fast.  WHAT is God saying?  :D  LOVE IT....

Ill write more later LOL

KS - D1 D39

I can't NOT believe we made it, God!!

So I had what I hope is an epiphany, not a mood swing.  But whatever it is, I pray it stays till tomorrow night, and beyond.  When I look back, I will remember that God has been faithful, and that He has carried me when I didn't think I could make it.  I will remember that I was not PERFECT or amazing in this fasting discipline, but OMGoodness, WE DID IT!!!!

My struggle, bitterness, trouble, was in God being all powerful and all knowing.  He knows how very weak I am, and that even though I long to reach out to Him, I can't / don't / won't...  I didn't read my Bible all week.  I caught messages from God, and I sort of prayed, but this week was a complete failure.  I felt frustrated that God wasn't holding me tight, when I wanted to rest away from Him.  I felt frustrated that I didn't have the spoon feeding I thought I needed to keep me focused on Him, and to give me amazing spiritual highs in these 40 days.  I hoped for a vision, a dream, some amazing fellowship....  direction, healing....  VISION - I hoped to see a new vision of God, and who He wants me to see that He is.  I hoped for VISION to see myself how God views me, apparently adores and loves me...  I hoped for VISION to see the world, to reach out and bring God to my surroundings in an amazing new way, so that eventually, I can be fed in a way that I long.  On the surface, I could say that I feel like I didn't get much of that, but LOOK at the miraculous things God did!!!!!

God got me through this without a single solitary bite of food.  Not a crumb.  God has spoken clear messages - I'll write some of them down in a minute.  God has carried me when I thought I could not stand to make it another second.  He has sent situations and people to push me when I couldn't take one more step.  Right now, as I praise Him in this post, I smell hay.  The hot smells of fresh cut hay fields.  One of my favorite scents in the entire world.  God made my world smell so sweet it makes me want to cry in thanks.

God has promised me in Isaiah that "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying "This is the way.  Walk in it"

God said "Be succinct.  God is the heart of the matter.  Be few of words."  I should focus on that one more, huh?

Jesus, draw me close 
Closer, Lord, to You. 
Let the world around me fade a - way. 

Jesus, draw me close; 
Closer, Lord, to You. 
For I desire to worship and obey. 

Jesus, draw me close 
Closer, Lord, to You. 
Let the world around me fade a - way. 

Jesus, draw me close; 
Closer, Lord, to You. 
For I desire to worship and obey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hungry, I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry

Chorus:
So I wait for You
So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart 
Is living for

Broken, I run to You 
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know
Your touch restores my life

Chorus

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart 
Is living for

Hungry, I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry

Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.
 -James 3:10

D2?

I lost track of the day numbers, because I think it's been D2 since yesterday... I dunno.  All I know is it's over Monday night.  Tomorrow I make boiled dinner.

Milk just isn't settling well with me...

Soooo, I'm happy and doing well.  I am not driven spiritually like I was, in fact, I'm fighting a bit of upsetness and bitterness?  if I were being honest....  I'm embarrassed to break it down, but maybe tomorrow I will try a little, because that is the point of this blog - to put myself out there, to evaluate and see my journey...

Tonight, we are closing the store and heading up to the lake to some get-together.  Looking forward to it....

KS - D4

The longest hardest times yet to come...

I have 2 full days off.  Tomorrow I have to shop for the store all day - I hate doing that without a yummy coffee drink or a food treat.

I have added raw milk to my drinking "pleasure".  But I'm really not sure it's making me feel amazing.  I feel a dull "ache" in my head - it's not a headache or a pain, but it's like it could be??  And my stomach has felt SLIGHTLY queasy.  I'm just not sure it's making me feel better.  Also, phlegm... I've got some of that too...  that is totally because of the milk.

God stuff?  Not a ton.  I hope I haven't screwed up my fast totally.  I just don't know what else to do.  I will keep at this.  I just WISH God would send people into my life to FEED my hunger for His power, life, amazingness, JOY.....  I want MORE and I feel like I'm the only one.

This is going to be the longest 4 days EVER.....  hungry / bored / everyone eating around me......

KS - D5

I don't know what to do.

I have a couple of days off and I'm so thankful for that prospect.  I'm soooo hungry.  I've dealt with hunger for most of this fast, so I know I'm fine, but I realized that some of the things I've been eating keep my digestion going but not nearly enough, so constant hunger makes sense.  I guess I'm so tired and hungry and at a loss for what to do the next few days that I'm unable to even go get a drink to fill myself LOL.

Simple things - my office job has an end on the horizon.  My boss knows I'm about done for.  That's good.  Now maybe I can end amazingly well...

I want to clean up and start being a good wife and mom.  I want to be around more on my down times.

I'm trying to decide what to drink for the end of my fast - if I should do some just water, or add proteins and fats or keep on the way I have been.......  I just don't know.

Did I post my promise from God verse?  "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying "This is the way you should go.  Walk in it"  Yes please God!!  I long for the "miraculous", where God really does speak and we let Him do amazing wonderful things - where the dead ARE raised, and the lame walk, and His glory shines!!  I did not spend enough time praying, enough desperation, enough brokenness of self....  another thing I should do with my down days on the horizon....

D6 - another failure post

UGH, no holds barred.  So one of my unencouraged thoughts that keeps on coming at night , when I"m trying to fall asleep....  It always goes something like this....  This fast, this mind cleansing, it's very lonely.  All of the sudden, what bonded me with every other human around me, is either against what I am doing now, against what I believe God wants for me, or totally not what I want to be filled with any more.  BUT I don't get enough God and CERTAINLY don't get enough people and I'm just all alone, floundering.  It feels like everyone has backed away from me.  And NOW, it feels like people are being jerks on purpose.  I don't understand why God isn't sending me love messages in a way I hear and understand and get more filled up.  People I counted on rarely (if ever) reach out to encourage me.  People don't satisfy, and I can NOT figure out how to let God satisfy.  Right at this moment, I can tell you I have been blatantly ignored by people closest to me, ones I thought would be there for me.  I have one friend who developed a food picture posting obsession since I have started this fast, and I graciously ignored it, scrolling past, but now it's really making me upset.  The logical side of me understands it was a natural progression, and has nothing to do with the fact that I can not eat now, and should not really eat much if ever, most of the things she posts that I long for.

Honestly, and evilly, people have let me down, and so has God.  I don't know how else to be less honest right now.  I KNOW it's me, not God, and almost 100% it's me, not people, but that is NOT how this feels!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Grumpy Kirstie

D7 - MIRACLES

Miraculously amazing things ought to happen today, just because there is no where to go but up and miraculous.  Because anything good today would be miraculous.  Today is my 15 year anniversary.  I couldn't fall asleep because it was hot and I kept dozing and being woken up, until 1:15 this morning.  Then for some reason I can't explain, Ken's alarm was set for weekdays 2am, only he had been UP rambling at the kids until 1am, and he was passed out, so I had to climb over his sleeping body to shut it off, so that maybe I could sleep for another 1/2 hour.  But then his restless leg syndrome "kicked in" and  that was it.  I'm working 8 hours soon,  then going right to my next job to try to pay some people.  By that time, it will be time to shower, and MAYBE nap, but that would be selfish really, because I really should be hanging out with Ken, or doing something nice for him.... before I start picking kids up for youth group.  This day has no promise of goodness, because I don't even feel like trying so hard to get happy or find peace in Him, who I know will give peace.  Ever feel so angry and grumpy and hopeless, that you decline known relief????  And my stomach is growling.  It made noise yesterday and scared me, cause it's been quite silent....

God turned my intense grump into excitement / hyperness somehow...  my day at DDs went relatively well, and was extremely busy and slightly chaotic.  On my way to the CPA office, Ken had texted and asked me to go for a walk with him.  I got very scared it was bad things.  I had been sure all morning that we were ignoring our big milestone anniversary and I was grumpy and full of self-pity.  He said it was a good walk, and as our plans morphed, we decided to go out for a drink after youth group tonight.  I still wasn't looking forward to youth group and Joe offered me the night off, but I was picking up one kid.  And after my nap and shower, I was ready for the evening.  Our youth group was a small get together, and when I went into the kitchen, there were warm fresh brownies.  I turned to jokingly tell Joe off, when he turned the lights on and there were birthday balloons too - 3 of them, attached to a pretty confetti weight.  All night, I grinned at them.  Joe also said he had planned to stop and get me some good juice.  That was sooooooo sweetly thoughtful!   We played card games all evening and it was a quiet peaceful night of joking and being silly and bonding.  My friend Joy stuck around too.

Another miraculous thing was Isaiah 40:31.  Yesterday, my walk was very difficult.  I was so without energy I didn't want to pray, let alone move my feet.  God gave me that verse and I thought on it a while - thinking it certainly fit my need to finish strong and face the temptation to snack....  This morning, Joe sent just that verse to me, as the first verse he's sent in forever.  I immediately appreciated God's repeating the message, telling me it was important, and wondering why.  Tonight, Greg posted the verse.  Just that verse.  And then his wife did.  Clearly God has a message and I need to meditate on it harder.

Just LOOK at what God did for me today!!!!  I can't even stand how amazing it is!!!!