God has been speaking to me and convicting me on Shabbot Shalom.  i fully believe i need to be following His commands on Shabbot fully - right up to the command in Isaiah to avoid idle words on the sabbath.  But ken keeps the store open and really it's up to him how i follow shabbot currently.  But Ive told him and im praying on it.  My catch up Bible reading was the 10 commandments including how to follow the Sabbath.  hmmmmm....  

Also, during my fast, I have been praying for God to show me who He is.  Today, Krystal and i were talking about Yahweh and how it means 'i am that i am'.  It means "keep me out of the box.  I am God, I will be who I will be. "  Tonight God said that is who He is!  He is what i've always known and he will reveal himself as i need to know.  He is GOd,  He is who He is and i will know when i need to know!!!! I love it!!  

God is speaking and currently I am hearing.  Im also getting messages on sharing over and over and meditating - God is telling me thru my OT Bible reading that i need to repeat and share and focus and meditate and not forget where i came from or who God is to me or what He has done.

KS - Broken

So, I struggled with silly things like going the extra mile and showing God that food wasn't sooo important to me that I was going to sit around watching the clock, with a bowl of hot boiled dinner hot, spoon in hand for the second it turned 8:00.  My old Modern Jewish Culture professor from Gordon was speaking at the Conference Grounds tonight.  My friend and I went and it was JUST the thing I needed.  Small world being that he was scheduled for my birthday, and that he was speaking for breaking my fast.  He spoke tonight on true salvation - our call to be like Jesus, to break chains of bondage and save people from their addictions through Jesus,  to live as community, what is good or bad for people around us affects us the same....  that is what Isaiah 48?  says about a true fast.  WHAT is God saying?  :D  LOVE IT....

Ill write more later LOL

KS - D1 D39

I can't NOT believe we made it, God!!

So I had what I hope is an epiphany, not a mood swing.  But whatever it is, I pray it stays till tomorrow night, and beyond.  When I look back, I will remember that God has been faithful, and that He has carried me when I didn't think I could make it.  I will remember that I was not PERFECT or amazing in this fasting discipline, but OMGoodness, WE DID IT!!!!

My struggle, bitterness, trouble, was in God being all powerful and all knowing.  He knows how very weak I am, and that even though I long to reach out to Him, I can't / don't / won't...  I didn't read my Bible all week.  I caught messages from God, and I sort of prayed, but this week was a complete failure.  I felt frustrated that God wasn't holding me tight, when I wanted to rest away from Him.  I felt frustrated that I didn't have the spoon feeding I thought I needed to keep me focused on Him, and to give me amazing spiritual highs in these 40 days.  I hoped for a vision, a dream, some amazing fellowship....  direction, healing....  VISION - I hoped to see a new vision of God, and who He wants me to see that He is.  I hoped for VISION to see myself how God views me, apparently adores and loves me...  I hoped for VISION to see the world, to reach out and bring God to my surroundings in an amazing new way, so that eventually, I can be fed in a way that I long.  On the surface, I could say that I feel like I didn't get much of that, but LOOK at the miraculous things God did!!!!!

God got me through this without a single solitary bite of food.  Not a crumb.  God has spoken clear messages - I'll write some of them down in a minute.  God has carried me when I thought I could not stand to make it another second.  He has sent situations and people to push me when I couldn't take one more step.  Right now, as I praise Him in this post, I smell hay.  The hot smells of fresh cut hay fields.  One of my favorite scents in the entire world.  God made my world smell so sweet it makes me want to cry in thanks.

God has promised me in Isaiah that "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying "This is the way.  Walk in it"

God said "Be succinct.  God is the heart of the matter.  Be few of words."  I should focus on that one more, huh?

Jesus, draw me close 
Closer, Lord, to You. 
Let the world around me fade a - way. 

Jesus, draw me close; 
Closer, Lord, to You. 
For I desire to worship and obey. 

Jesus, draw me close 
Closer, Lord, to You. 
Let the world around me fade a - way. 

Jesus, draw me close; 
Closer, Lord, to You. 
For I desire to worship and obey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hungry, I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry

Chorus:
So I wait for You
So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart 
Is living for

Broken, I run to You 
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know
Your touch restores my life

Chorus

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart 
Is living for

Hungry, I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry

Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.
 -James 3:10

D2?

I lost track of the day numbers, because I think it's been D2 since yesterday... I dunno.  All I know is it's over Monday night.  Tomorrow I make boiled dinner.

Milk just isn't settling well with me...

Soooo, I'm happy and doing well.  I am not driven spiritually like I was, in fact, I'm fighting a bit of upsetness and bitterness?  if I were being honest....  I'm embarrassed to break it down, but maybe tomorrow I will try a little, because that is the point of this blog - to put myself out there, to evaluate and see my journey...

Tonight, we are closing the store and heading up to the lake to some get-together.  Looking forward to it....

KS - D4

The longest hardest times yet to come...

I have 2 full days off.  Tomorrow I have to shop for the store all day - I hate doing that without a yummy coffee drink or a food treat.

I have added raw milk to my drinking "pleasure".  But I'm really not sure it's making me feel amazing.  I feel a dull "ache" in my head - it's not a headache or a pain, but it's like it could be??  And my stomach has felt SLIGHTLY queasy.  I'm just not sure it's making me feel better.  Also, phlegm... I've got some of that too...  that is totally because of the milk.

God stuff?  Not a ton.  I hope I haven't screwed up my fast totally.  I just don't know what else to do.  I will keep at this.  I just WISH God would send people into my life to FEED my hunger for His power, life, amazingness, JOY.....  I want MORE and I feel like I'm the only one.

This is going to be the longest 4 days EVER.....  hungry / bored / everyone eating around me......

KS - D5

I don't know what to do.

I have a couple of days off and I'm so thankful for that prospect.  I'm soooo hungry.  I've dealt with hunger for most of this fast, so I know I'm fine, but I realized that some of the things I've been eating keep my digestion going but not nearly enough, so constant hunger makes sense.  I guess I'm so tired and hungry and at a loss for what to do the next few days that I'm unable to even go get a drink to fill myself LOL.

Simple things - my office job has an end on the horizon.  My boss knows I'm about done for.  That's good.  Now maybe I can end amazingly well...

I want to clean up and start being a good wife and mom.  I want to be around more on my down times.

I'm trying to decide what to drink for the end of my fast - if I should do some just water, or add proteins and fats or keep on the way I have been.......  I just don't know.

Did I post my promise from God verse?  "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying "This is the way you should go.  Walk in it"  Yes please God!!  I long for the "miraculous", where God really does speak and we let Him do amazing wonderful things - where the dead ARE raised, and the lame walk, and His glory shines!!  I did not spend enough time praying, enough desperation, enough brokenness of self....  another thing I should do with my down days on the horizon....

D6 - another failure post

UGH, no holds barred.  So one of my unencouraged thoughts that keeps on coming at night , when I"m trying to fall asleep....  It always goes something like this....  This fast, this mind cleansing, it's very lonely.  All of the sudden, what bonded me with every other human around me, is either against what I am doing now, against what I believe God wants for me, or totally not what I want to be filled with any more.  BUT I don't get enough God and CERTAINLY don't get enough people and I'm just all alone, floundering.  It feels like everyone has backed away from me.  And NOW, it feels like people are being jerks on purpose.  I don't understand why God isn't sending me love messages in a way I hear and understand and get more filled up.  People I counted on rarely (if ever) reach out to encourage me.  People don't satisfy, and I can NOT figure out how to let God satisfy.  Right at this moment, I can tell you I have been blatantly ignored by people closest to me, ones I thought would be there for me.  I have one friend who developed a food picture posting obsession since I have started this fast, and I graciously ignored it, scrolling past, but now it's really making me upset.  The logical side of me understands it was a natural progression, and has nothing to do with the fact that I can not eat now, and should not really eat much if ever, most of the things she posts that I long for.

Honestly, and evilly, people have let me down, and so has God.  I don't know how else to be less honest right now.  I KNOW it's me, not God, and almost 100% it's me, not people, but that is NOT how this feels!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Grumpy Kirstie

D7 - MIRACLES

Miraculously amazing things ought to happen today, just because there is no where to go but up and miraculous.  Because anything good today would be miraculous.  Today is my 15 year anniversary.  I couldn't fall asleep because it was hot and I kept dozing and being woken up, until 1:15 this morning.  Then for some reason I can't explain, Ken's alarm was set for weekdays 2am, only he had been UP rambling at the kids until 1am, and he was passed out, so I had to climb over his sleeping body to shut it off, so that maybe I could sleep for another 1/2 hour.  But then his restless leg syndrome "kicked in" and  that was it.  I'm working 8 hours soon,  then going right to my next job to try to pay some people.  By that time, it will be time to shower, and MAYBE nap, but that would be selfish really, because I really should be hanging out with Ken, or doing something nice for him.... before I start picking kids up for youth group.  This day has no promise of goodness, because I don't even feel like trying so hard to get happy or find peace in Him, who I know will give peace.  Ever feel so angry and grumpy and hopeless, that you decline known relief????  And my stomach is growling.  It made noise yesterday and scared me, cause it's been quite silent....

God turned my intense grump into excitement / hyperness somehow...  my day at DDs went relatively well, and was extremely busy and slightly chaotic.  On my way to the CPA office, Ken had texted and asked me to go for a walk with him.  I got very scared it was bad things.  I had been sure all morning that we were ignoring our big milestone anniversary and I was grumpy and full of self-pity.  He said it was a good walk, and as our plans morphed, we decided to go out for a drink after youth group tonight.  I still wasn't looking forward to youth group and Joe offered me the night off, but I was picking up one kid.  And after my nap and shower, I was ready for the evening.  Our youth group was a small get together, and when I went into the kitchen, there were warm fresh brownies.  I turned to jokingly tell Joe off, when he turned the lights on and there were birthday balloons too - 3 of them, attached to a pretty confetti weight.  All night, I grinned at them.  Joe also said he had planned to stop and get me some good juice.  That was sooooooo sweetly thoughtful!   We played card games all evening and it was a quiet peaceful night of joking and being silly and bonding.  My friend Joy stuck around too.

Another miraculous thing was Isaiah 40:31.  Yesterday, my walk was very difficult.  I was so without energy I didn't want to pray, let alone move my feet.  God gave me that verse and I thought on it a while - thinking it certainly fit my need to finish strong and face the temptation to snack....  This morning, Joe sent just that verse to me, as the first verse he's sent in forever.  I immediately appreciated God's repeating the message, telling me it was important, and wondering why.  Tonight, Greg posted the verse.  Just that verse.  And then his wife did.  Clearly God has a message and I need to meditate on it harder.

Just LOOK at what God did for me today!!!!  I can't even stand how amazing it is!!!!

KS - D8 almost over

Another meh day with Kirstie not being powerful.  Maybe this is what was meant by warnings that I would face temptation toward the end.  I'm not TOOO tempted, well, maybe I am, because I"m not spending all spare time with God as I intended (promised?) .

Tomorrow is my 15 year anniversary, and I'm not at all happy about it and it's already too busy and I have nothing loving to do for it and no ideas.  Nothing would feel real and loving.  I'm working 3:30am - 11:30am, probably grabbing a juice at the grocery store, and going in to the office to do payroll for a job I really want to end.  When I'm finished, a shower and nap would be lovely, before I face youth group tomorrow night, as nothing more than a glorified baby sitter / chauffeur...  Ohhhh listen to me whine.  Best for me to just stop writing and curl up, hoping I wake up with amazing crazy power, love that's unexplainable, and plans to be a real wife, mother, worker, youth leader, woman of God.  Yeah.

Day 7 starts in 1.5 hours :)

KS - D9

Well, I haven't been writing and I don't have a lot of an excuse.  I feel like my fast is becoming diluted. And Today, D9, I've got to stop that.  I found reasons to add popping bubbles back in, to take a few tips of a protein shake, to have my 3rd cup of wine (and guilt), some coffee...  I hate writing this.  But this is to be real, right?

I guess I find myself sad with how it's turned out - that I didn't have any visions of God, of how He views me, or how He views the world.  I guess it's because I didn't see any direct answers to prayer, like for my cousin, or my Dad's pain, or my family coming to God.  I don't speak in tongues, or get messages for my friends.  I think, human Kirstie has wanted more.....  I know I don't get to EXPECT it, but I guess I REALLY thought there would be more....

It's time to head toward work now, but it's also time to stop diluting my fast and even get stronger in my last 9 days.

Ken is taking Ethan to get the game I wouldn't let him buy last night - the one with warnings for content in sex, drugs, gore, violence - rated M.  This is not a step forward

****

I napped.  I don't know what made this decision come about, but I chose to water fast after my 9:00 juice break at DDs.  But I'm miserable.  I don't feel like looking at people or talking or being social.  I'm so hungry and tired and I just would like to cry.  I don't think I have felt this crummy once during this fast.  I don't know what to do.  Go back to sleep?  I don't even feel like talking to God.

KS - D12. He calls me Precious

And He still does.  I had a tiny bit of coffee today.  I felt love and felt loved today by my co-workers.  I came home and had unplanned wine.  One of our good bottles was open and I poured a cup.  Later, the song "Slow Fade" came on and I felt it was geared toward wine.  I am afraid it's an all or nothing thing for me, and I do not know how to give it up ALL the way, forever.  God would have to do some amazing miraculous things.  Sort of like giving up food????

I'm about to do my new Bible study questions to my daily read through the Bible in a year plan.  Excited and nervous.  One step closer to getting to know God.  It's called Bible study and meditation model :

Read the passage
Reflect on the following questions
     Is there an example for me to follow?
     Is there any command for me to obey?
     Is there any error for me to avoid?
     Is there any sin for me to renounce?
     Is there any promise for me to claim?
     Is there any new thought about God?
                                                       Jesus?
                                                       the Holy Spirit?

I have my neglected journal, mainly spiritual journal.....

It didn't take toooooo long, and it made me dig around a bit.  The Holy Spirit gave me things I wanted to dig into - like why did Aaron's staff bud into almonds?  I found that almond is a permutation (I have to look up meaning of this word) of the Hebrew word to be Holy - it was God saying that Aaron was His holy choice for this position.    I also discovered in Acts that God chose this space in time, and this country's boundaries for ME so that I might seek Him and find Him.  So cool

KS - tomorrow is D12!!

So I should have been asleep forever ago.  I've been tired since it was almost time to leave work.  I unwound, caught up on my Bible listening, got something awesome in the mail - it's a small set of questions helping me study the Bible better.  Tomorrow, when I'm not supposed to be sleeping, I might type them in, in case someone else wants to know about them.  I think they will be very beneficial in learning to study the Bible and get things out of it from God.

Anyway, I finally closed my eyes, started having some good chats with God (OK, me talking AT God, which eventually I'd like to fix), but my mind kept wandering to food.  To the boiled dinner I am going to make the day before I stop fasting.  Then I'd realize I was literally drooling and NOT falling asleep, even tho my mind was very relaxed and ready to doze off, I'd go back to God, and then it would fall off the God cliff, back to food - to eggs and refried beans with tons of sauteed veggies, Awww crap!  Back to God......  Ohhhh it's sooo bad.  I couldn't stand it any more and sat back up to reset my mind and try again.  Now Ken's cooking frozen burritos.  I'm going to drink some V8 and go back to sleep in a bit.  Clearly, this is going to be the temptation I face forever.  I'm so scared of it.  12 more days of it.  God, please get me off of this hook!  Well, I'd rather face this temptation than many others that could ruin my life if I caved....

KS - D14 SUFFERING

So I hit day 20 and felt a new lift hit me.  I was halfway and I could do this thing.  But it has been DAYS of intense temptation to quit and not from anywhere but inside me.  I am so hungry.  I am so tired of being so hungry.  And I can't see the point where I would be sad if I quit and soooooooo thankful I made it.  The point where it doesn't make sense to quit, because I'm almost there.  All I can see if that I need to eat.  NOW.  I don't want to move, or do anything but sleep.    I'm so hungry, all I want is to quit.  I read temptation would be strong toward the end, and I prayed it wouldn't be so.  And I didn't think it would be temptation to QUIT.

So, again, God came through for me.  At the end of this, I will give some of the things that have been consistent throughout this fast.  But Each time I need to cave, quit, eat, God sends something, some things to keep me strong.  Tonight I begged for prayers and I think I got them, because I was researching how people stay strong and why they feel so hungry so far into a fast, and I started reading the benefits of fasting again, from a spiritual standpoint.  I lost my desperation to eat, and got joy again in staying strong.  Also, I had an emergency prayer request brought to me that I was SO glad I was fasting for.  I know God is going to do great things because of it.  God gives me purpose in this fast, when I feel like a failure....

I brought home a coffee from Dunkins today.  I forgot a straw, so it came home and into the fridge.  I thought about it all day, but didn't want to get into it.  Tonight, after God fixed things in me, while I was rushing out the door, I decided I wanted to sip a little - to see how it tasted on my tongue and if it did anything to my body.  I sipped so little, it probably doesn't even look different.  But it didn't taste good.  It was bitter and unpleasant.  I will sip more tomorrow, if I want to, but I like that I am thinking hard about how things will taste and what they will do to my body.  I HOPE I stay sensitive to this.  I know it's one of the easiest things to dull...

KS - D15

So I had to go to Nashua again, and I was feeling so very hungry (hormones I think?) and it was a rough day.  I tried to get people to research and let me know that coffee wouldn't start up my digestion more, and that caffeine wouldn't hurt my stomach, but I didn't get that answer, so again, my fast is still pure...  I'm glad.  It really seems that God makes it so easy to not cheat.  It's not at all easy, but things always fall into place so that I don't cave.

I've not been very spiritual.  Things have been so busy with no downtime.  This morning I was up at 5:30, when I didn't at all have to be.  And I got ready for a walk with God and Baxter, but when I stepped outside, it was raining!  Weather said it wasn't raining....  I walked for a bit, because it was a light rain.  But then it started pouring and wasn't as pleasant, so I came home and took cover.  I browsed some reading in the Prophets in my Bible, and tried to have some quiet meditation prayer time, but nothing really worked for me.  I did feel a strong longing to praise.  I looked forward to church...  but now I'm feeling shy and like curling up in my bed again...   my moods change so easily.

KS - D19 (D21)

Ohhhhh I am sooooooo sleepy.  Trying not to use the computer.  I read a lot of Isaiah, and honestly found it an unfun read.  Lots of threats and punishment and war....  BUT I'm getting to know more of God...  I think I never realized He gets mad at me.

I had a cup of wine last night and it didn't make me loopy (despite the no food and being so sleepy).  But this morning, I was very hungry and it made me feel sick to be so hungry.  I won't do that again.  No other adverse side affects LOL.  Although, if Ken put a cup in front of me, I'd drink again I think.

Today was very early morning at DDs, but it went well.  I had a nice talk with Grandpa just before I left.  I saw my Dad.  He's leaving his job because his pain is soooo bad.  I've been praying for his pain often.

So I came home and napped, but I want to nap again.

KS - D20!! HALF WAY!!

SO!  I have come so close to quitting, soooo close to adding things in, but so far, God has kept my fast pure as I intended.  I make up a reason to add something - yesterday it was coffee with cream that I needed.  I justified it by saying a few things like..... I work with coffee and I'm missing out, if I just add cream, it's bad for my body, because it's not beneficial fat and protein, so I will add GOOD stuff, like smoothies.  I need the energy and I've been long enough without food and........  but I wanted to make it to today, my half way point, before diluting my fast.  I don't intend to go for coffee, or to start adding things, but I do know the option is there.  While I was struggling with this, the verse immediately came to mind "Whether therefore you eat or drink, do all to the glory of God."  God was saying it to me.  I wasn't under condemnation if I chose to add things to my fast.  God was saying "It's OK.  Just keep your heart right"

But anyway, I've miraculously, through God alone, made it 20 days.  Tomorrow will be Day 19 and the countdown will begin.  I think.  I'm not sure about the heart attitude of that one.  Maybe God will have a chat with me about that one.

I'm enjoying a website called www.diningwithgod.org  - it encompasses all religions that focus on "God" and fasting as a religious rite drawing you closer to God and cleansing your spirit.  It has so many quotes from OLD OLD not diluted religious leaders - Christian, Muslim, Buddhist....  I pray that God will let me learn from it without losing my focus on Him, or dishonoring Him.

A few things I have noticed in this fast (having given up almost all not Christian past times) is my sensitivity.  When things come across my path, for example, things lightly dealing with sex - things that you might not have even noticed, my spirit is much more sensitive to it.  It's a much stronger image now.  My heart has become so much more sensitive.  This is a message I want to share with people who struggle with this sort of temptation.  I do not at all usually....

I've also noticed, much to my joy, that God speaks to me immediately and differently than before.  I get verses or songs that give me an immediate answer or encouragement.  I know this is not in my head, because if I tried, I could not think of those things on my own.

This whole journey has been miraculous in God.  I have been so peaceful and gently grateful and He speaks to me when I need it, enough for me to know He cares and He's very PRO me doing this.  Kirstie never could / would have made this journey up, or survived it.  So when I look back, if nothing else, I will remember this.  Because this is huge.  I wish it were over :)  (but that the communication I'm having with God remains)

The countdown begins....

KS- D18

So another early Sunday morning.  And I'm enjoying them.  It's really a funny thing, God.  :)  He gets me up early, and I think it's a mistake, so I roll over, but wake right up....  I'm always out of bed in the early part of 6am.  I take Baxter for a walk down the road to swim in the river and play in the fields and  pray my best.  Today I meditated a lot more.  I focused on His love for me, and how it's so much more wonderful and perfect than love anyone else could have for me.  I probably should do that more.

I got to church early so I could visit with my friends and sit for the early praise, which has been so good lately.  The sermon was on Nehemiah and how God used him.  It talked about focused prayer - his fasting and praying for days because of the state of Jerusalem's walls.  And then emergent prayer - quick prayers about telling the king about his sadness, and asking for the king's generosity to build the walls - quick prayers for every little thing.  And then action - being willing to do things to make God's will come about.  Those are all things I need to work on more.  It was such a good sermon.  After the last song, Pastor got up teary eyed and said his sermon touched his heart :)  Yay, God.

My Dad seems concerned for my health and wonders if I'm doing a wise thing.  That surprises me.  I'm still in the overweight category, but people who are naturally very slim do this fast.  Human Kirstie doesn't want to be doing this.  I keep looking for excuses to be finished.  But Spirit Kirstie feels this is being asked of me, and to push through my temptations and my crazy strong desires to be finished.  I don't feel at all that I'm being extreme.  I've read tons about this, and soooo many normal people do this fast, and many many without juice (I don't drink very much juice) and many many do it without God.  So I don't even feel this is a concern.  My fear comes in breaking it and losing the discipline I've gained.  It is so nice not to wake up and even consider food.  I hope I have new habits very soon that stay forever.

Anyway, my physical health is just fine.  I'm always hungry, but not 18 days hungry.  (I just had the scary thought - what if I missed counting a day??!!  That would SUCK!!!!)  I am lighter, but no more than 15 pounds lighter.  And still overweight, so it's all good.....  

Yesterday was a day so full of temptation I almost cried literally.  I had to drive to Nashua and took Erin and a friend shopping.  I would have bought a good coffee drink.  And picked a yummy snack and an amazing sit down meal.  But instead, I had to watch Erin and Kelsey eat and get yummy coffee drinks, and I took them to Panera and Taco Bell.  Taco Bell was the final straw for me.  Now, on Father's Day, the kids took Ken out for lunch.  To Subway.  What I wouldn't give for Subway.  It's going to take forever for me to be able to eat those things.  And really, I shouldn't even be considering it.  I wish God would take away my desires for food that aren't good for me.....  I WISH I just liked food enough to sustain myself.

KS - D16

Writing early in the morning when all is still good and peaceful :)

I have been sooo peaceful and happy overall.  I don't want to lose this part, but I almost feel like it's become habit.  Last night, my mind was wandering happily into temptation, and immediately, without trying, the words to the song "it's a slow fade, when darkness turns to gray, it's a slow fade.... people never crumble in a day..." came right to mind.  It was SO God and it scared me straight :)  Thank you God!

I have a wonderful husband who jumps to do what I ask him to do for me.  He spoils me.  And he gives me great big hugs before I head out to work and right when I get home from work.  I love him.

Off to shower, but I'll try to write later.

Still doing well. A song came on this morning that made me pray for friends and God gave me a message for one of them.  I got a thank you, but nothing more.  But God's word will not return void.  I'm relaxed and ready for sleep at 6pm.  Which is really good, because I have to be up in 8 hours.

I spent some time outside after work reading Isaiah and trying to pray.  I did some meditating on God and relaxed.

KS - D15

So I was waiting for day 15.  I have read that eventually all of the toxins get processed out and you feel energetic.  But so far, not.  But day 15 is a big number and sounds important.  Only 25?! more to go!!!!!  OMGOODNESS, not going nearly fast enough.

Today I wanted to go buy a juicer.  I was excited to make some new drinks and some healthier advances, but we don't have money to do that.  I keep beating myself up because I don't pray well, and haven't been walking with God in the same way I was when I started, but I realize I'm doing really well in so many areas, I have to stop beating myself up so much.  I started reading Isaiah this morning.  I think that's a good book to read.   I need to learn to pray and meditate and be still.

I'm honestly hungry.  Not sure what I'm doing wrong, but hunger won't kill me.  It's not like Im 15 days hungry.  I'm just hungry.  And tired.  And not liking my office job.  Generally, I'm more upbeat.  I think when I write, I'm just at the end and dejected, tired, bored....  I'm watching a movie with Ken.  I haven't watched secular things in forever.  But this is barely secular.  It's a disaster movie,  BAD quality.  Time to go watch....

KS - D14

I feel for sure like I am doing so bad at this!  I am either so busy, so grumpy, or so tired that I do almost nothing with God.  I don't know how to move past my emotions and physical feelings to spend quality time with God.

Today physically was a bad day.  Getting up so early, when I worked, I was so weak, I didn't feel the energy to hold myself up, or to lift trays of bagels into the oven and out, or to work the water sprayer.  When I went into the freezer, immediately, it was beyond bearably cold.  I prayed and got out of that funk (with God and a bottle of OJ - I haven't been drinking LOTS of other stuff).  But then my back was all in horrible unbearable knots and I felt like it just wanted to collapse.  I've read that that's a symptom of dehydration, but I don't have time to drink tons of water and run to the bathroom while I work.  My back has been so so bad all day long.  I did a pretty hard walk with my friend, then rushed home, showered and went right to sleep.

Tonight was Erin's piano recital.  On the way up, my praise music was very softly playing, and there was a song about breaking the chains and setting prisoners free and opening blind eyes and deaf ears and God coming to our generation.  I had a very short good intense time of prayer.  That is pretty much IT for time with God.

I have been feeling like I should be spending time with my family in the store, but even if I went to be alone, I wouldn't be spending GOOD time with God.  I just don't know how!  Maybe I should start watching YouTube sermons.  To try to get back in the God mode.  Why are people so fickle!!  Why am I so much more fickle than any other person on the face of the earth?!!!

KS - D13

I REALLY wanted to quit Sunday, so I asked a few people I loved to pray for me very hard.  I wanted to quit ONLY because I wanted to eat, not because I felt any NEED to quit or to eat.  We made it through that one and I'm looking forward to day 15, when I have read around that time people start to feel miraculous energy??   I'm not EXPECTING it, but hoping for it.  D11 night I started just to drink water, no juice.  I felt sooo good yesterday after work at the community picnic.  I was so social and felt loved.  And I mentioned I felt energetic I think LOL.  That's not at all like me.  But again, home saps it right out of me - just walking in the door.  I wonder if it's spiritual and what I can do about it.  Hmm, God just said to walk through the house and pray over it, release demonic holds and put forth God in my home!  And WOW I think there is a lot of that in my house.  I know my boys and I think even Erin allow things into my home that are not at all of God.  God, make me stronger in You.  I need You for this growing a family in You thing!  (This is very cool.  I am talking and hearing from God right now as I type. )

SO, fasting isn't nearly as bad or scary as I thought it would be.  I'm so thankful I was asked to do this.  And I so pleased I'm making it alone with God.  I don't feel much support (not like I would like - I wish people would check in on me and care that I was doing this and send me Bible verses and tell me they are praying or that they had a word from God or.....  maybe I will write to Theresa.  She's always been an amazing spiritual encouragement.)  I do have friends that I can go to when I feel weak, or when I feel victorious, and they will be there, and say a prayer.  But I wish I were covered in more love and prayer.  But, again, this is sooooo working out, Thank You, God!

KS - D11

Why does being home suck??  God woke me up early today and I walked with Him and Baxter and we had a GREAT talk.  It was focused and He spoke back.  In the start of the talk, I told Him I was sorry I wasn't doing a good job at the spiritual part of this fast, and before I got it all out, He said "you are."  I felt like it was the greatest pat on the back.

Church worship was amazing today.  For the past few Sundays, I have been aware of the singing around me, and not individually, but all together, praising God.  And how beautiful it was.  Today, the songs and the sounds were beautiful and soooo reaching out to God.  It's like I could see or feel it.  I know if I weren't in the Spirit that it would have sounded off tune or disjointed, but because I was so in tune with His Spirit today, like lots of other Sundays, it was beautiful....

I got another clear message from God - that children are dying all of the time and to stop holding onto my money.  I also think He's saying that if I give it away, I will have more when I need it, when He calls for it again.  My money is going to World Vision for now.

But then I get home and Ethan doesn't look up from his giant blue headphones, and Erin has her's on so loud she can't possibly hear me, and feeling tempted and unsure, I ask Ken if I look any healthier, and he says "That's an odd question."  To me that means I look like crap and he is just barely nice enough to not say that.  He let me walk away and I did.  MAD.  Mad is gone already, but I'm still grumpy with him.

Food is sooooooo much of a temptation to me now.  I'm having a hard time.  And when I got home, I was tempted to quit, to break fast.  But after my time with God today, and having read that around day 15 I should feel amazing, and all toxins should be gone from my body, I want to continue.  When I told God I was sorry I wasn't doing well on this fast, and He said "you are.", He didn't say quit.  If I were going to hear from God, He would have said to stop, not that I'm doing well.  There, I wrote to friends for some encouragement and prayer.  I'm going to my parents to chat too.

KS - D10

I am 1/4 of the way there.  Right at this moment, I am focusing on weight loss, since that is happening, and not God stuff, which I am struggling with.  I have lost about 15 lbs., but maybe only an inch from hips and waist.  Ken said I look like the skin is hanging from my bones - that doesn't sound flattering certainly.

So, things have really been good all day long, until I get home.  Then it's all harder.  I get grumpy for no reason.  But also for reasons.  Ken ordered 2 pizzas, with pepperoni and jalapeño.  I WANT some.  Still.  I've been FREEZING.  I napped a little.

So, I forget to walk with God all day long.  My first few days, I was right there with Him and it was nice.  Now, it's still so amazing, because all day long I feel, I almost said Joy, but at least I feel content and Peace :)  I love my peace.  And it doesn't go away, even when I get grumpy...

I've become aware of the importance of meditating?  But my brain will not sit still for that!!  I think it might be what I need to find the Bible more alive.  One website I read said that Christians everywhere read their Bibles every day, but there is no difference.  And that the difference is in meditation.  So I'm aware and going to be working on it....

I think I'm off to write an email to my husband to tell him how I appreciate him and why....  Yeah.

KS - D9

I was in a fine mood leaving work.  I got way beyond grumpy the second I got home.  I hate the store and how it completely overtook my family, especially my husband.  I hate it hate it.  No one reads my blog and it's probably best anyway cause I'd hate their comments.

I've been amazingly fine and light hearted until this moment.  so I'm thankful.  Still not much God stuff.  Going to bed because I have to be up at 2:45.

Nice.  Really?!?!  George Foreman grill some great smelling meat where I choose to go to sleep and when I am so grumpy.  Wish my bedroom was warmer.

KS - D8!!!

So I've made it a week.  Yesterday I did a computer fast - until late evening when I "caved" with the excuse that I had to do my Bible plan reading that is online.  So I glanced at my email (which is what I wanted to cave for) but had nothing good and left.  I checked FB messages, but there was nothing good, so I listened to my Bible and did nothing else on the computer.  I spent 2 minutes cheating.  I will have to work up to the idea of computer fast.  I have added new dimensions to this fast because I know I have things I like to do instead of spending time with God, and I want to find ways to enjoy God time.  I also added because while I felt like I was walking right alongside Jesus for what?  4 days?  I have been sooo spiritually disconnected and lazy.  Tiredness and caving to my temptation thoughts (SIN!) were my excuses and battles.  I do NOT know what people are talking about when they say they have so much more energy.  Or that hunger subsides.  I always feel hungry, but no more hungry than when I have skipped a meal - it's not painful or anything.

What WAS painful was I guess constipation?  I was having stomach pains higher up all morning yesterday.  It was like gas pains, but maybe in a different spot.  It got so bad I started making faces when it would come.  I got together with friends for Bible study, a walk, and juicing, and one husband made me an epsom salt laxative drink.  It kicked in in less than 2 hours and Ugh, it's not like me to be graphic, but stuff poured out whenever I had to use the bathroom.  It's still coming out easily.  It was painless and while it TASTED horrid (the epsom salt, not the stuff pouring out LOL!!)!!!!  I will do it again in a few days when this time seems to have stopped working.  One friend and I did our mile nice walk.  We had dinner and Bible study and I went to bed.

This morning, God woke me up an hour early again.  While I was laying there wondering why and what I should do with it, Esther came to mind.  So I will read the book of Esther.  I read chapter one and all of the commentaries around it.

Anyway, I'm spiritually disconnected and not loving it.  But apparently it happens, so I'm clearly sticking to this.  I have read somewhere online, I think by Lou Engel, that he advocates a fast to be rid of dangerous temptation and in the article, I have been becoming aware that I should continue until I have breakthrough.  This scares me, because my battle is always around me, and gives me enjoyable thoughts, and fills empty spaces in a pleasurable but unhealthy way, and while I pray for it to be gone from me, I wonder if it's in vain, because a lot of my mind doesn't want to let go.... but I pray for it to let go....  Gotta go!  LOL

KS - D6

Yay, another day just about over, and this one was a nice one.  I was back to feeling normal and happy.  I haven't been as close to God the past 2 days as I was the 4 before this, but as I was realizing I hadn't had good God time, and I was at a point where I couldn't solve a work problem at my desk, I folded my hands to my face to rest / regroup / and was thinking God, and had such an urge to pray that when I reached out to God, I got all teary.  I felt so relaxed and glad and wanted to stay in prayer, but I feel very convicted when I do things besides what I was hired to do.  If I need to pray, I do it during the mindless tasks in short spurts all day long.

My boss knew I was doing a "juice diet" because of a talk last week.  When she saw juice in the fridge, she asked if I was still juice dieting, and I said yes.  She wondered for how long and I ended up explaining to her that it was spiritual.  I do not know where she stands with God, but I know that her political stance seems identical to mine.  I guess she's not a Christian, because she hasn't said anything, but she is quite reserved and proper and so, well, she could be.  She's definitely a caring, great person.  She really seemed to understand what I was explaining, and it seemed like I had her respect.  It made me feel good.

I was able to tell my youth pastor "boss" too.  The way conversations have gone with him lately, I was afraid to discuss it with him, but that, too, went REALLY well.  I think he didn't know that sooooo many people do this fast, and many many do it for purely health reasons, not at all with God and for God.  He asked if I was seeing my doctor,  so I told him I'm very healthy (well, not fit, but I've never had any issues at all in life) and that several different people are aware of my fast, and are watching out for me, including my husband, who hasn't said he's all for it, but brings me broth and makes sure I have juice when I wish for it - not that I can't do it myself, but he's very good to me, and serves me often.

Some time ago, a couple of months?  somehow I was introduced to the purpose of a Nazarite and I was interested in it a lot.  I felt compelled to be one - if there was such a thing nowadays...  Last night, in my fasting researching / browsing, I came across a free book called Nazarite DNA by Lou Engel.  I'm listening to it.  I'd rather be reading it, but haven't found a free reading version :)  It gives me a whole new level of being filled with God to research and look forward to as I grow.  I'm excited.  I'm also very excited to curl up and pray myself to sleep.  Soon.  Today I was cold all day.  Not painfully, but I'm dressed warm all cuddled up in bed, about to go to sleep because I get up at 2:45 tomorrow....

KS - D5

I am too tired to write.  But I want to record something for day 5.  So clearly I am extremely prone to being tired.  I always have been, but with fasting, I REALLY need an extra nap after work.  Today I won't get one and that makes me dejected.

I am googling 40 days fasts, because I want to see real life effects of fasts.  I want to see people's highs and lows and what happened to them along the way.  I wish I could document better.  I haven't read a really good experience one yet...

So I'm still hungry.  I am not drinking a lot of juice.  I seem to have "3 meals a day" - a cup of V8 in the morning, one at break time and one in the evening.  I drink watered down 100% juice when I am socializing and it is around.  And some evenings I have hot vegetable broth.  That feels nice.  I go for a bit of a walk every day, which is good for chatting with God, because I'm a nature lover and it's one of the ways I really reach out to Him.  One of my prophetic sessions told me that God feels about me the way that I feel in nature and I LOVE that.

I read constipation is an issue, and because I haven't had a problem with it yet, I am taking one Senekot in the evening.

I feel like God will ask me to put away my computer and phone sometime in the fast, because it's still easy to avoid quality time with God.  All of my previous days (four of them LOL) I have just spent all day walking with Jesus - chatting, praying for people and things in short spurts when they come to mind.  But it's cool, because He has been right beside me, giving me peace and calm.  Today I am still peaceful and calm and social when I need to be, but I'm not feeling a lot like chatting with Him like the other days.  I would REALLY like to lay down, close my eyes, and ramble to Him as I fall asleep right now.

My focus in the spiritual realm has been very weak.  I have spiritual (and maybe real ADD LOL - certainly no hyperness at all!!) I have also been most attacked mentally.  I feel often like I'm not doing this for the right reasons, and not spending enough time with God.  I am aware that I have 30 lbs to lose and today I've measured myself (nothing has changed) and I weigh myself every day and I've lost almost 10 lbs according the my scale (but it's new to me, so it's a bad gauge) and my clothes do not fit any differently I think.  But again, this is for informational purposes and so I'm going to be very honest. I did not set out on this for physical benefits at all.  That came after I obeyed God and did this thing I thought was impossible.  When I was researching after I had started, there were a lot of websites that included physical benefits and it opened my eyes in a not good way as far as I'm concerned...  I've also been attacked in the areas I was most reaching out to God on - how I view myself and how I love others, and a specific temptation I really thought I was over.    Last night in our teen "not your parent's church!!" my mind kept floating without reason to my temptation and the second I realized it, I prayed and asked God to guard my mind, but it kept floating there in my praise - constantly - like breathing.

I'm done writing for now :)

KS - D4

Day four, that's it?

This morning my brain turned out an hour and a half earlier than it had to.  My thoughts were dream-like and uncontrollable really.  When I finally had the thought control enough to wonder why my brain wouldn't turn back off, I realized maybe God wanted me up.  So I opened my Bible randomly, because I had the thought to read Psalms.  And I read Psalm 103 about God's love for me, but I don't think it sunk it.  I remember the thoughts I gained, but I didn't feel a breakthrough.  And then I started on to 104, but started reading my Bible information on the history behind the Psalm, and got a message for a friend.  I dressed in a pretty dress and took my dog for a walk in the very warm morning sun.  I sort of miss my smart phone with Pandora on it, but as I thought that, God reminded me how much more beautiful and probably peaceful and soothing His creation was.  So many kinds of birds and bugs, the last of the lilacs, the breeze, the dew and the spider webs....  God brought a song / prayer to my mind and this has got to be the prayer song that goes with my fast.

Search me, O God, and know my heart today,
Try me, O Savior, know my thoughts, I pray;
See if there be some wicked way in me;
Cleanse me from every sin, and set me free.

But the rest of the words have to be just as important.

1. I praise Thee, Lord, for cleansing me from sin;
   Fulfill Thy word and make me pure within;
   Fill me with fire, where once I burned with shame;
   Grant my desire to magnify Thy name.
2. Lord, take my life, and make it wholly Thine;
   Fill my poor heart with Thy great love divine;
   Take all my will, my passion, self and pride;
   I now surrender, Lord, in me abide.
3. O Holy Ghost, revival comes from Thee;
   Send a revival, start the work in me;
   Thy Word declares Thou wilt supply our need;
   For blessings now, O Lord, I humbly plead.

And then it was time for church.  I enjoyed socializing lots.  We prayed for my Dad.  Pastor prayed a touching and powerful prayer I cried.  Pastor spoke on Isaiah 6 - I saw the Lord, high and lifted up...  He said he believes God wants to reach us ALL just like that, so I prayed for that.  I added that to my vision prayers :)  

I have so much pride and judging inside of me.  I can't shut it off.  I sort of can't help ignoring the amazing things God is doing in my spirit, and focusing on the bad that is inside of me and keeps seeping out instead.  And Satan keeps telling me that this fast isn't holy enough - that I'm not praying long enough or focused enough or well enough or spending too much time not reading the Bible but researching fasting online instead.... And with that comes the fear that I'm not doing this with the right heart attitude, so it's all for nothing and I might as well not be doing it....  I wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff.  I wish I had people with messages from God, with power from God that I might never understand surrounding me.  I don't want platitudes or Bible school rhetoric.  I want powerful Bible verses, messages from God, declarations that Satan is the deceiver in this.  I want someone to feed back to me all that God has told me, and reinforce His plans for me and His love for me....  God, I want to BE that person for others.  Please do amazing things in me!

KS - D3

So I feel sooo good.  Don't think this is easy, but I'm doing it and with relatively little suffering.  Really, in the scheme of things, none at all!!  Picture me:  I've eaten 3 hours before and now I'm sitting at a restaurant, thinking I'm going to die of hunger.  I don't want to make small talk, and the waitress isn't bringing even a drink!  I find myself wanting to jump up and run to the kitchen to grab something and tell the manager on the way that his place SUCKS.  When something comes that I can put in my mouth, I am the first to grab and you really want to be out of my way.  That's me.  When I wake up in the morning, I am plotting a good or a bad day based on plans and what food comes with said plans.

So I haven't eaten since Wednesday night.  And today I worked a full shift at Dunkin Donuts - where we just came out with 2 new donuts I really would want to try.  The AC wasn't working for the first part of the day and I really thought I'd pass out or kick someone, but I miraculously stayed smiling (not fake either!).  THAT is miraculous God stuff right there!!

***

I am sad, really sad, by a lot of things.  And what I wanted to do was to go to FB to find friends to talk to and get encouragement.  I guess this is where I take some time and go to God.  It's crazy how things make me feel so bad so fast.

I just spent some quiet time sitting with my parents talking - about the fast and then about things my dad is facing. They sent me home with food I would LOVE to eat.  I was going to freeze it for when the fast is over and it was making me smile just to look at it :)   But I got home and some friend said some things that made me feel bad (a usual thing for him) and Ken saw my plate of food and wanted to eat it so my yummy food treat is being enjoyed now and that is probably what put me over the edge.  I want him to have good things, and it was very good of me to share, but it was very very hard to hand it over to be eaten.

Now I want to farm and pop bubbles and find someone to talk to on FB.

But I won't.  I will do what God wants me to learn to do - to go to Him when I am sad.  I don't know how to do that in a satisfying way.  I don't know how to do that at all.

"The weakness of our hunger for God is not because he is unsavory, but because we keep ourselves stuffed with "other things. Perhaps, then, the denial of our stomach's appetite for food might express, or even increase, our soul's appetite for God." - John Piper (sent in an email from Kristen Feola - www.ultimatedanielfast.com )

KS - D2

I wanted to write more yesterday, but I went to sleep by 8 last night - so tired.  Last night's Bible readings were GREAT for me.  They were Acts 2, and Leviticus 1-3.  Acts 2 covered so many things that have been pressing on my spirit - being filled with the Spirit and the early church - their love for God, their power, and the success God gave them.  THOSE are the things I want to focus on praying for during this fast.  Leviticus was on offerings - it tied right in with the start of Acts 2, which discussed how so many Jews were horribly broken when they realized what they did to Jesus, thus growing the church...  Leviticus was what it entailed before Jesus shed his blood for us.

Ken made me a cup of fat free hot broth - such a treat!  V8 and broth will be my biggest treats.

Yesterday was not very difficult for me at all.  I think it was the idea that I'm day one into 40 of them, so one day is nothing and I will not get frustrated yet certainly LOL

KS - Day 1 Fast

Morning:
I woke up as I expected.  I am completely freaked out, but praying constantly - my heart just reaching out to God.  "Fasting is one of the most neglected spiritual admonitions."  - Dr. Bill Bright, on "Your Personal Guide to Fasting and Prayer".  Right there, if fasting is important to God, and my heart is as right about doing it as I can get right now, then God has to keep me going.  Ohhhhh, I had a prophetic word spoken to me / over me, at IHOP when I started finding the REAL God, Who is fun and powerful and amazing and funny...  God's plan for me is not drudgery, boring work, or horrible.  God's plan for me is a supernatural circus, with tents filled with amazing things - she said "with pop corn over here, and cotton candy over there"  :)  I don't even know what else can be fun, what else could be in those tents...  So maybe I will be visiting the other tents for the next FORTY DAYS?!!!  I have yet to face that reality, and I really hope that how long to fast comes literally to me out loud or in a dream - but very clearly, or else in a time of weakness, I could cave because someone has a birthday and it would be rude to not eat their cake LOL.  I know weakness will also come when I want to tell people what I am doing, or talk too much and have to explain.  

God, place me in Your bubble of protection.  Help me to see what you want, and do what you want, and remain untouched by things that can hurt me, and our experience....

DD - More on Discipleship

Bible Lab.....  1/83

The Holy Spirit points us to Jesus Christ... Jesus points us to the Father... we point people to Jesus Christ as Saviour, Lord, Baptizer, Deliverer, Healer, King of Kings and Lord of Lords...

Romans 15:14..."we are competent to counsel others.."  (Wms. Translation)

Qualifications for the Servant / Leader who will counsel others:

I. To be under authority - one who has submitted to training, been under discipline and instruction.  (Luke 6:40, Galatians 6:6, Galatians 5:6, Acts 17:11, 19:10-12, Acts 20:31)
God uses training which corrects, molds, and strengthens.
Having already been coached / trained and drilled.
--Jesus disciples us... we have many teachers.
--To be discipled fully by 1 other person in a lifetime is God's ideal... (handout on Rosh Kodesh) which can be found on this blog already I think
--Bible Role model - 1 Teacher at a time--teaching a learner.  Many teachers in a person's life.  First, a disciple- then a leader.... Jesus discipled his disciples--John, his own... Paul discipled Timothy for a time,  I Timothy 1:2.  Paul discipled Titus, II Timothy 2:1, Titus 1:4, and Onesimus, Philemon... (i.e. if someone is Pastor's for a time- do not interfere--do you want to give an accoNT

KS - Fasting prep night

I do not have this all planned out.  I waffle between being very at peace, excited, and scared to death...  I borrowed Krystal's juicer and plan to do a juice fast.  I am aiming for 40 days and am going in with a stick to it attitude.  I will beg friends to support me when I want to quit.  I can not imagine going from a food obsessed, "what do I get to eat??" with every step and breath girl, to someone who has completed a 40 day fast.  I would be so "proud"  (not a very holy word or thought, but I aim to be very honest here.

My goals are many and disjointed (which, from my reading, is not idea either).  I am doing this because food is what I go to instead of God.  When I wake up in the morning, I think of what is planned for the day and how I will eat in those plans.  Pretty sure I will wake up tomorrow and realize I have started fasting, and my heart will sink.  But then I will look forward to the juice, and remember why I am doing this, and reach out to God.  I am also giving up AT LEAST Facebook, but I really may have to give up my entire computer.  I think I will need it - for the blogging portion and recipes for juicing and support from my friends.  As I ramble and have to aim in my ramblings - I think I was on to goals.  I am asking God for VISION.  I want to see Him for who He REALLY is, not as my flawed human mind imagines or how my religious upbringing has taught.  I want to see how God views me.  I want to be broken and sorry and without pride.  I want to say "I'm sorry" and not choke. When I have broken and lay out empty and bleeding before Him, I want Him to show me who I really am, to engrave that image in my heart and mind, and for me to live as His daughter - no longer beating myself up, weak and self-loathing.  I want VISION for the world as God wants me to have it - I want to see spiritual warfare (if it's His will), but mainly, I want to see the broken and needy, to love and reach out as He intends for me....  VISION means all that God wants to open my mind to, to heal my mind to.....  I want to be whole for Him.

So, yes, I am scared, and hopeful.  I KNOW that God has amazing plans for me.