UGH, no holds barred. So one of my unencouraged thoughts that keeps on coming at night , when I"m trying to fall asleep.... It always goes something like this.... This fast, this mind cleansing, it's very lonely. All of the sudden, what bonded me with every other human around me, is either against what I am doing now, against what I believe God wants for me, or totally not what I want to be filled with any more. BUT I don't get enough God and CERTAINLY don't get enough people and I'm just all alone, floundering. It feels like everyone has backed away from me. And NOW, it feels like people are being jerks on purpose. I don't understand why God isn't sending me love messages in a way I hear and understand and get more filled up. People I counted on rarely (if ever) reach out to encourage me. People don't satisfy, and I can NOT figure out how to let God satisfy. Right at this moment, I can tell you I have been blatantly ignored by people closest to me, ones I thought would be there for me. I have one friend who developed a food picture posting obsession since I have started this fast, and I graciously ignored it, scrolling past, but now it's really making me upset. The logical side of me understands it was a natural progression, and has nothing to do with the fact that I can not eat now, and should not really eat much if ever, most of the things she posts that I long for.
Honestly, and evilly, people have let me down, and so has God. I don't know how else to be less honest right now. I KNOW it's me, not God, and almost 100% it's me, not people, but that is NOT how this feels!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Grumpy Kirstie
No comments:
Post a Comment