KS - D4

Day four, that's it?

This morning my brain turned out an hour and a half earlier than it had to.  My thoughts were dream-like and uncontrollable really.  When I finally had the thought control enough to wonder why my brain wouldn't turn back off, I realized maybe God wanted me up.  So I opened my Bible randomly, because I had the thought to read Psalms.  And I read Psalm 103 about God's love for me, but I don't think it sunk it.  I remember the thoughts I gained, but I didn't feel a breakthrough.  And then I started on to 104, but started reading my Bible information on the history behind the Psalm, and got a message for a friend.  I dressed in a pretty dress and took my dog for a walk in the very warm morning sun.  I sort of miss my smart phone with Pandora on it, but as I thought that, God reminded me how much more beautiful and probably peaceful and soothing His creation was.  So many kinds of birds and bugs, the last of the lilacs, the breeze, the dew and the spider webs....  God brought a song / prayer to my mind and this has got to be the prayer song that goes with my fast.

Search me, O God, and know my heart today,
Try me, O Savior, know my thoughts, I pray;
See if there be some wicked way in me;
Cleanse me from every sin, and set me free.

But the rest of the words have to be just as important.

1. I praise Thee, Lord, for cleansing me from sin;
   Fulfill Thy word and make me pure within;
   Fill me with fire, where once I burned with shame;
   Grant my desire to magnify Thy name.
2. Lord, take my life, and make it wholly Thine;
   Fill my poor heart with Thy great love divine;
   Take all my will, my passion, self and pride;
   I now surrender, Lord, in me abide.
3. O Holy Ghost, revival comes from Thee;
   Send a revival, start the work in me;
   Thy Word declares Thou wilt supply our need;
   For blessings now, O Lord, I humbly plead.

And then it was time for church.  I enjoyed socializing lots.  We prayed for my Dad.  Pastor prayed a touching and powerful prayer I cried.  Pastor spoke on Isaiah 6 - I saw the Lord, high and lifted up...  He said he believes God wants to reach us ALL just like that, so I prayed for that.  I added that to my vision prayers :)  

I have so much pride and judging inside of me.  I can't shut it off.  I sort of can't help ignoring the amazing things God is doing in my spirit, and focusing on the bad that is inside of me and keeps seeping out instead.  And Satan keeps telling me that this fast isn't holy enough - that I'm not praying long enough or focused enough or well enough or spending too much time not reading the Bible but researching fasting online instead.... And with that comes the fear that I'm not doing this with the right heart attitude, so it's all for nothing and I might as well not be doing it....  I wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff.  I wish I had people with messages from God, with power from God that I might never understand surrounding me.  I don't want platitudes or Bible school rhetoric.  I want powerful Bible verses, messages from God, declarations that Satan is the deceiver in this.  I want someone to feed back to me all that God has told me, and reinforce His plans for me and His love for me....  God, I want to BE that person for others.  Please do amazing things in me!