Friday, June 28, 2013

KS - D9

Well, I haven't been writing and I don't have a lot of an excuse.  I feel like my fast is becoming diluted. And Today, D9, I've got to stop that.  I found reasons to add popping bubbles back in, to take a few tips of a protein shake, to have my 3rd cup of wine (and guilt), some coffee...  I hate writing this.  But this is to be real, right?

I guess I find myself sad with how it's turned out - that I didn't have any visions of God, of how He views me, or how He views the world.  I guess it's because I didn't see any direct answers to prayer, like for my cousin, or my Dad's pain, or my family coming to God.  I don't speak in tongues, or get messages for my friends.  I think, human Kirstie has wanted more.....  I know I don't get to EXPECT it, but I guess I REALLY thought there would be more....

It's time to head toward work now, but it's also time to stop diluting my fast and even get stronger in my last 9 days.

Ken is taking Ethan to get the game I wouldn't let him buy last night - the one with warnings for content in sex, drugs, gore, violence - rated M.  This is not a step forward

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I napped.  I don't know what made this decision come about, but I chose to water fast after my 9:00 juice break at DDs.  But I'm miserable.  I don't feel like looking at people or talking or being social.  I'm so hungry and tired and I just would like to cry.  I don't think I have felt this crummy once during this fast.  I don't know what to do.  Go back to sleep?  I don't even feel like talking to God.

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